Causes of a lack of empathy

We have just talked about empathy not being constant. There are any number of reasons why empathy may be low or lacking in somebody.

For this, I’m going to switch focus to my soon to be ex-wife Susan. Everything I know about empathy tells me that Susan seems to have very little of it almost all the time.
Again, given that I’m not a psychologist, I don’t want to get too wishy-washy here. I know my wife very well, I know her past, her childhood and her history. Based on my research I have some basic understanding of the reasons why empathy may be low or absent in somebody so here is my non-psychologist best guess.

Modeling

I don’t believe that empathy was ever modelled to her as a child. In fact I know that neglect, violence and betrayal were inflicted on her continually. Her childhood was deprived and brutal. That bad stuff was modelled to her, it is quite likely that empathy never was.

Chaotic mind

If you are stressed or have a lot going on it’s perfectly normal to have low empathy in those moments. My wife, Susan, the narcissist, has a permanently chaotic brain. She is far too consumed with her own stuff. “Manic” is the wrong word because it has clinical meaning but I can tell you that her brain is a non-stop hurricane. It’s tragic, I sincerely hope I’m wrong but I can’t see her ever finding peace. She is never mentally calm enough to tune into other people. Her mind is frantic, she is mentally absent, always. This is the polar opposite of empathy.

Entitlement

I heard her on the phone to her friend Maria the other day, she went on and on about all her troubles and worries. Normal enough for friends I guess but it did sound very indulgent, very entitled. There were also lots of grandiose fantasies of success and power along with a belief that she is special and revered by all as she bragged about how her heroics in work saved the day resulting in much praise and recognition. Anyway, this went on for ages, the conversation was 100% one-sided. Then Susan paused for a moment as she lost concentration while holding the phone between her jaw and shoulder while trying to fill a glass with water or something. Maria seized the opportunity to reciprocate the indulgent drama and launched into a story about how her new boyfriend was yet another low-quality borderline alcoholic straight off the production line of dysfunctional assholes. She started to cry, I could hear it clearly, she started to unload and then… without warning, mid sentence.. Susan cut her off and hijacked the conversation again.
Empathy? Entitlement says “no” because the world and everybody in it is there to serve and nothing more.

No boundaries

There is a phenomenon that manifests in narcissism called “self-object theory” where people see others as extensions of themselves. Personal boundaries are breached automatically. In the absence of boundaries that separate her from me, her feelings are all that exist. My feelings are just not a thing. Susan is totally and holistically, 100%, self-centered. Other people are utterly inconsequential to her. Empathy does not feature in this environment.

Black and white thinking

Interaction is always about winning, black-and-white-thinking, right-or-wrong. It is never about respectful collaboration and a common goal towards reaching mutual agreement. Empathy cannot be a thing in an environment where simply stating something is perceived as a threat and must be defeated. It’s exhausting. My point of view will not be tolerated, it has missiles launched at it the moment it leaves my mouth. It is neutralized or one-upped with some boasting comment or put-down comment or simply denied or rejected on the spot. Empathy… no way… it’s war.

Projections

There is another psychological phenomenon not unique to narcissism (in fact, I’m quite sure I’m inflicted with it too except I don’t project negativity) called ‘projection’. We’ve touched on this already in the Ruth example where one non-empathic response was one where you may mistake your own emotions for empathy. I.e. you are feeling a particular way and mistake it for empathy. You think your being empathic but in fact, your projecting your own feelings on to her and reading them as though they were emanating from her. Believe me when I tell you, Susan is this to the core. She reads me all wrong. It feels like she doesn’t know me at all. She accuses me of doing the bad things she does herself. She accuses me of being in a mood when she’s in a mood. She accuses me of being angry when she’s angry. She accuses me of being every random arbitrary bad thing that pops into her head. (Watch out for this because defending it is the single most futile thing a person could ever do with their time. As the years went by, I believe it may be the most futile thing I’ve ever done in my life, I want to puke thinking about it. Anyway back to the matter at hand…). Simply put, “she sees in me what she dislikes in herself”. A saying you may be familiar with. This is projection to a tee. The projections are like spilling mud into clean water. The waters are so muddied with her… well… mud, that she cannot distinguish me from her, she cannot distinguish her feelings from mine. And yep, this overlaps or compliments the no-boundaries phenomenon just mentioned. Empathy is not a feature of this projection chaos.

Emotional Immaturity

Not to mention that Susan has the emotional maturity of an amoeba.

Summary

Here’s the quick summary of why Susan (probably) has little to no empathy.

• It’s not something she grew up with.
• She’s too self-absorbed to even be aware of other people’s needs.
• Her own emotions are constantly spilling out of her and she can’t distinguish them from other peoples.
• People are a threat. If they indulge at all, the pecking order must be restored immediately. Her hurt must always be worse. Her achievements must always be better. Her, her, her, always her.
• She doesn’t give a hoot about anybody except herself.
• Emotional immaturity.

Can she ever have empathy? Everybody is different, who knows! But as you can see, there is a mountain of impediments to it unfortunately.