Why? - Control?

Obsessed

I’m not sure if you or others reading this will have had the same difficulty I had with the why of it all. I was obsessed. For some reason I just couldn’t make peace with not knowing why Susan did all the horrible crap she did.

Projections

I’ve since made peace with it. I’ve mentioned previously that I recognize that some of it was me viewing the world through my rose tented projection glasses and this stuff just was not fitting in with that perspective. It was like a square peg in a round hole. It was like it had no place there at all. The bad stuff had no place in my rosy world and it was uncomfortable.

Control

A second reason however is the possibility that my own controlling behavior was continually kicking in.
To know the “why” creates security. It creates predictability. It keeps me in a safe environment. To not know the why creates insecurity. Her actions being threatening and unpredictable creates a very unstable environment for me characterized by fear and anxiety. To make that fear and anxiety go away, I would have to get a hold of the situation and stabilize my environment. I would have to gain control. I could not gain control. One way to get there would be to understand why she does what she does.

Black and white thinking

In another weird way, I think my own black-and-white thinking was causing some of it too. Not knowing the “why” was putting me in a grey area in the middle which perhaps was a source of discomfort.