Mirroring

I met Susan, a lovely person. We started to get to know each other. It turned out she liked the same music as me, well some of it anyway, enough to find common ground. Not only that, she liked the same books as me. In fact, I was delighted, she loved Lord of the Rings. She even ‘tolerated’ football, and what do you know, while she wouldn’t consider herself a supporter of Manchester United, she had enough awareness of them to again find common ground. Wow. Months later, Nirvana, the band we apparently both loved as teenagers, one of their massive hits “Smells like Teen Spirit” (for Christ sake) was covered by a contestant on the X-Factor (TV talent show). It became apparent that Susan didn’t recognize the song. I started to notice that Susan didn’t read at all. She bought books but she never actually read them. I didn’t do much reading myself at that stage so I didn’t think much of it. But, she also never watched football. Now that’s ok but she didn’t seem to know even the most basic rules and I mean basic.

That beach we used to walk together, that place that held special memories for me, Susan didn’t seem to care for it at all the way I did. She made me feel silly for talking about it fondly. When Susan said she valued honesty above all else, I believed her. But later I learned she lied all the time. She talked about education being “so important”. Turns out, she frigging lied about where she went to college and what qualifications she had. Jesus! After almost ending the relationship that time, she somehow sucked me back in. I forgave her because I figured people shouldn’t be defined by their education and qualifications anyway. What an absolute naive asshole I was. Puke!

Now we’re married. The marriage sucks. Those disappointments are the least of my problems.

On the Nirvana thing

She was exceptionally clever about this. Given that she didn’t recognize “Smells like Teen Spirit” and clearly wasn’t familiar with the iconic track at all, how on earth did she manage to fool me? For me, as a teenager, at night in my room listening to this stuff was like listening to God. It shaped me. It was more than just music, it was something far more powerful. So how did she fool me?

• She fed off me, she bullshitted her way through it, simple as that.
• She got lucky, she had this story about having tickets to a Nirvana concert but that concert never happened due to Kurt’s untimly demise. A tangible story like that laced with tradegy is a powerful thing to bond over.

Seeing her do it to others

Myself and herself were at one of Emma’s soccer games. Susan didn’t normally attend these, but here she was today. I was talking to the other Dads as usual. Susan butted in; she was overbearing. I couldn’t get a word in edgeways. She talked away about the technical details of football. She talked away about how Manchester United’s new manager was going to work out. I knew Susan hadn’t a clue what she was talking about. The others were fooled, though; they were engaged in conversation with her. I saw the mistakes in her chatter. They didn’t (I think). I saw how she made general statements that appeared like questions, such as, “They had injuries, though, didn’t they? … Oh, I thought they were missing a couple of players.” I saw how she repeated back their last sentence to them, disguised as a rhetorical question. And so I saw it. All too familiar. Susan had mirrored me. Now she was mirroring them. She blended in by pretending to be in tune with them.

Her behavior reflected theirs.

Consequences

I thought we had loads in common. But the reality is that Susan tricked me. She tricked me into thinking she was somebody she is not. She tricked me into committing to a relationship with her under false pretenses. It doesn’t stop there, she has continued to do it all through our dysfunctional relationship. Sometimes she genuinely deceived me, sometimes I kinda let her, it actually felt nice to just play along even though I knew it was bullshit. Weird I know but…

Either way, it’s not sustainable. It’s a lie.

Psychology of it

(As a software developer).
We all mirror to some degree apparently. I can appreciate that when I think about it. Our work personalities are different from our out-with-the-guys personalities. Our with-our-kids personalities are different again etc. We compartmentalize. In healthy people the compartments won’t be a million miles away from each other, it’ll still be unmistakably us. We get indicators of possible issues (disorders) when those compartments are just a bit too different from each other. They’re bullshit. And the faking is simply manipulation. Not necessarily calculated though, just a kindof natural drive to fit in.