Martyrdom

AKA, having a martyr complex.

This is where they become the hero but it’s hard work and you need to know that. “After all I do for you” is a common expression.

Susan decides to cook a meal for not just us, but for her sister, her mum and her friend also. It’s completely voluntary, it’s completely unnecessary. The preparation and cooking start off calm but in no time at all, things are getting difficult and she’s stressed. She’s very stressed and soon it comes,

I’m going to all this effort for you and you’re not even helping

I’m trying to do something nice for you and all you can do is stare at that screen

An enormous amount of praise and thanks are required. If the praise and thanks are not forthcoming, they will be demanded.

It’s Emma’s birthday, she’s 6. A simple cake from the supermarket with Marshall from Paw Patrol on it will be perfect. Nope, it can’t be kept simple. A cake may have to be baked, repeat above process, or an expensive customized cake will have to be ordered from the cakery. My meh! attitude to the expensive bespoke cake will be noted and I’ll be accused of not caring for Emma’s birthday. There’s anger over my lazy attitude to it.

She however, cares a lot and rides in to “rescue” the situation and become the hero with this big wonderful cake. The world will be told about the cake, the cake will have to be admired and photographed. It will be made known who bought the wonderful cake, it may be made known who didn’t want Emma to have such a wonderful cake!

Example

It took until 11:30pm three nights in a row but she got that work thing finished just ahead of the deadline. And boy oh boy don’t you, her work colleagues, her boss, her bosses boss, her friends, her family, your family, know all about the sacrifice that went into it. But of course, you’re contribution to keeping the household ticking over during this act of heroism won’t get even a hint of a mention.

I do everything to keep this family together. I work so hard to keep this house clean and tidy. This is just a joke to you. You don’t take this seriously at all.

Consequences

Nothing you do will ever be good enough. The reason being is that they don’t actually want you to succeed, they need this, they need to be the hero. Therefore no matter what you do, no matter what it is, no matter how good it is, the narcissism will ensure that she is the one who get’s the credit, the recognition, the hit from it.

You’ll feel devalued and bullied. You’ll feel shame and inadequacy.

Personally, I find this particular manipulation tactic a hard one to take. It’s insulting and belittling. However as you start to see it and realize what is going on, it’s useful to be aware that during every single interaction with the narcissist there are always two additional hidden items on the agenda which are far more of a priority than the actual task at hand.

1. She must always be in control, she always has to get one-up.
2. The ego needs to be serviced and validated.

This is true in every single interaction.