Hoovering

It’s considered one of the phases of the narcissistic relationship. But as I’ve mentioned a few times, in my experience with Susan, we toggled through these phases regularly in no particular order.

1. Love bombing
2. Devaluing
3. Discard
4. Hoovering

Named after the vacuum cleaner brand “Hoover”, it’s simply when they suck you back in. It tends to occur after periods of no-contact, devaluation or discard. I guess they get freaked that you’re actually going to leave them and they sweet talk you back with apologies and promises of change and other bullshit.

Susan and I attended a marriage counselling session around the time I was leaning towards calling time on the marriage. I hadn’t planned it but I ended up just just blurting out my intentions to end it. In the days and weeks that followed, Susan was never nicer to me. She was kind and caring. Flawed of course and scoring a lot of wides in the process but her intentions were clear, she wanted me to stick around. I was flooded with complements, I could do no wrong.

Then suddenly it changed, it must have become clear to her that I wasn’t going anywhere, it changed one evening where she stood behind me while I was washing dishes (yes, we don’t have a dishwasher, separate story) and slowly with real snarling venom declared her undying hatred for me. She accused me of being violent to her and threatened to tell everybody that. She regurgitated every single intimate detail and secret of our marriage and threatened to tell my friends and family all the details and just how “pathetic” I was. And with that the hoovering was over and the devaluation was back in full flight. And I was still there to take it all.