Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of bullying. It’s an attempt to manipulate your point of view.

Emma had a home soccer game in our local soccer field. It was against a team from a nearby town. My wife missed the game, she ended up going for coffee with her friend in (let’s call it) Springfield, her home town just minutes away. Afterwards, I was blamed for her missing the game. I was accused of telling her it was on in Springfield. Not true of course. She was gaslighting. She was trying to convince me of a different reality. She was trying to confuse me. In this instance, she knew perfectly well where and when the game was on but irrespective, gaslighting doesn’t require the truth or the facts, it just requires the arguing.

During a marriage counselling session, I mentioned that I didn’t feel the same way she did about something. She told me I should feel the same way. That was gaslighting, attempting to dictate my reality by telling me how to feel.

When our daughter says, “I’m nervous, I don’t want to do it” and Susan says, “you’re not nervous, just do it” or “you shouldn’t be nervous”. Gaslighting, i.e. telling her how she should feel. Trying to change her reality.

Another time, my favorite pair of jeans mysteriously went missing. I know she threw them out, she’s done this kind of thing before, I’ll never know why. She claimed no knowledge of it whatsoever. She tried to trick me into believing something she didn’t bin them. I argued with her, trying to get her to concede to my point of view. We were both trying to manipulate each others point of view. This is Gaslighting.

The very first cassette tape I bought as a child was Michael Jackson’s Thriller. The second I bought was Michael Jackson’s Bad. Then Metallica’s Ride the Lightening, followed by some Iron Maiden albums. Twenty years later, I still had them, I kept them, They had huge sentimental value to me. Note the use of the word “had”. She threw them out. I’ll never know why. I told her how upset I was over it. She told me they were just tapes, worth nothing because I couldn’t even play them anymore and I could get the music on Spotify anyway.
She denied my disappointment, she refused it. She tried to make me feel something else. Gaslighting.

Sometimes letters arrive in the post for me, pension statements, stuff from the bank etc. When she opens them, she’ll either throw them away to hide the fact that she opened them or she’ll reseal them again, badly.
She denies this. She denies the undeniable facts. She tries to convince me that I’m wrong. Gaslighting.

It takes two to tango

Gaslighting is exhausting. It’s the push pull that happens all day every day.

I’ve noticed that almost every day I engage in this nonsense in some form or other with Susan. She’ll make a comment about how somebody from Eastern Europe appeared in court for some crime or other followed by an assertion that they should all be evicted from the country immediately. The gaslighting begins with me defending the entire Eastern European population “there are millions of them, they ain’t all bad, plenty native bad eggs here too”. And off we go, me defending an entire region of the world, her condemning it. Daft.

When she announces that the way I’m washing “her” saucepan is all wrong, and I start to defend the way I’m washing it.

When she tells me I was over the speed limit and I try to reassure her I wasn’t, and that conversation goes on and on into bickering.

Gaslighting is just arguing. It’s little more than the two of us claiming to be right. Susan is making assertions or accusations and I’m trying to get her to believe that I’m not or I didn’t. She’s accusing, I’m unhappy with the accusation so I defend myself.

Gaslighting requires two people, they try to sell the lie, you try to defend yourself. Both of you are trying to adjust the other persons perspective.

Gaslighting is bickering.

On a larger scale

Listening back to some of the recordings I have of Susan, I can hear her at me and at me. When I defend myself it morphs from simply being lies and untruths into the full blown gaslighting dynamic with both of us at it.

When I capitulate (fawn, give in, give up, agree for the sake of peace) the gaslighting now hits hard, it penetrates me. I’ve taken a hit. I’ve turned a bit. It’s like a vampire taking a small bite. With enough bites over time, I’ll eventually turn to the dark side. I.e. her bullshit becomes my reality. Even if on many levels I know her bullshit is daft, I still live and breath it. It becomes me. It becomes my reality. And it actually explains why nothing gets done around the house. If nothing is ever good enough. If nothing can be done without first being told it’s wrong. If everything that is done is bad. Then, it makes perfect sense that nothing will get done.

Susan and I

It is distinctly possible that for our entire relationship we never actually related to each other at all. The only thing we had in common was that we both gaslighted the crap out of each other.

We both defend our positions. Neither of us are comfortable with the other thinking we’re wrong. So I defend my corner because I need her to know the truth and that I’m not what she says. Or I need her to know I didn’t do what she accused me of. I care about how I’m perceived. External validation. I need the external validation too. She defends her corner because she’s uncomfortable with being called out. Or she’s uncomfortable with being vulnerable. Or because she’s being controlling or domineering and won’t conceded even though it’s not true.

Gaslighting is control. It’s a power struggle. It’s a game and the issue at hand is nothing more than a ball.

We all gaslight

A classic example of a non narcissist doing it is

Me gaslighting (ish):

You have to listen to the new album from Insomnium, it’s brilliant.

Gaslighting response (ish):

It’s terrible, I don’t know how you listen to that crap, it’s awful.

The gaslighting starts here because we’re both asserting two different perceptions and trying to enforce those perceptions on to each other.

Life preserving response:

I’m sure you think it’s brilliant, but “brilliant” is subjective. It simply is. And it’s status is something attached to us not the thing itself. Our POV’s differ. That doesn’t change your perspective, my perspective or the album itself. Let’s just respect each others POV’s.

Dude… what the fuck was that?

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Another example is when a parent says to a kid,

it’s all ok, you’re fine, get over it.

When clearly they’re not fine. This is very common, the parent is well meaning but they are denying the child’s reality and imposing their own reality on them,

What part of the relationship does it happen?

It’s constant, it never stops.

How to make it stop

Be confident and safe in the knowledge that you are assured. State your case once, if it has impact (which t won’t) simply drop it. Agree to disagree and don’t engage in the arguing. I.e. don’t engage in the gaslighting.

Now, if I were to say to Susan “that’s ok, I hear you. I don’t see it that way though but we can agree to disagree”. That is laughable, it wouldn’t solve a single thing. She’d respond with “NO, we can’t agree to disagree. You’re wrong…” or some such. Sigh! Like I said, it’s exhausting. I’ve learned to be comfortable with her saying I’m wrong and I’m bad etc. I simply grey rock and don’t engage. But admittedly, that too drains the life out of me. So engaging is exhausting and not engaging is also exhausting. Choose your poison.

Consequences

Bewilderment, sad, and confused beyond imagination.

Is is conscious?

It’s arguing, so, no.

Learn more

I listened to this audio book The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern.

In the book Robin describes what others describe as narcissism (as far as I can tell) but doesn’t call it narcissism. She calls it the Gaslighting Dynamic, and the Gaslight Effect and other variations. I was able to relate the book to my own situation. It took a while to get there so I came back to parts of it later to help clarify my own understanding in relation to Susan. The book is excellent.

Final word

Remember, it’s not about being right or wrong. It’s about respecting other peoples opinions. Normal people, yep, narcissistic people, forget it.