What is Empathy

Empathy is a skill

When somebody has empathy for someone else, they basically care about them, they have consideration for them. Empathy is the ability to put yourself into another person’s shoes.
It is a skill that needs to be practiced. It is also a talent, some people are naturally better at it than others. You have to work at it, it can sometimes require effort to be empathic. It is also a choice. When you see somebody in distress, be it a friend or a stranger, you can choose not to engage with them for whatever reason.

Complex or simple?

Empathy is one of these things that can be as simple or as complex as you like.
I’m not a psychologist so what follows is the simple version with no mention of “mirror neurons” or the likes.

Ruth

Let’s say you are out walking with a friend, let’s call her Ruth. Ruth opens up to you about some anxiety she’s been feeling about having to do some presentations in work recently.

Empathic Responses

Here are some empathic responses.

• You stop talking.
• You clear your mind.
• You listen intently as Ruth explains.
• You don’t judge, you keep focused and you just listen.
• When you do speak, you speak with kindness and compassion.
• You try to see it from her perspective, you share in her experience.
• You begin to really tune into how she’s feeling.

Non-empathic Responses

Here are some non-empathic responses.

• You tell her “you’ll be fine, presentations are easy, I do them all the time”.
• You tell her “oh it’s not that bad, you’re just overthinking it”.

What’s the problem?

Why are these non-empathic responses? These are well intended but why are they bad?

• You’re dismissing how she feels.
• You’re invalidating her feelings by basically telling her that how she feels is wrong and she should feel ok. She’s not ok, that’s the point.

More non-empathic Responses

Here are some more:

• You tune out while she’s talking.
• You check your phone while she’s talking.
• You change the subject.
• You tell her “I know how you feel, I get so nervous too, I just take some deep breaths, I find that drinking water during it helps too…blah blah blah…”

What’s wrong with that last one?

It’s ok to share like that of course but just be careful not to make it all about you and be careful not to minimize her feelings. She’s telling you how she feels. Listen.

Here’s another massive non-empathic response

Don’t assume that you know how Ruth feels. Don’t assume that Ruth’s feelings on the matter are the same as yours would be.

Your experience of presentations may be very different from Ruth’s. You gotta listen to her, you have to tune in. Don’t mistake your feelings for hers. This is a trap.
Sure, you may have been nervous ahead of your presentations in the past, but listen to how Ruth is feeling. Like, really listen because while you both get nervous doing presentations, your feelings on the matter may be completely different. For you, you can muddle through it, for her it may be terrifying.

This is why empathy needs to be practiced, this is why it’s a skill. People who are aware of this are more emotionally mature than those who are not.

Everybody is different

Some people are good at empathy and some people are not so good at it.

Not just gloom

Our example is a little gloomy. Empathy allows us to share in other peoples joy and happiness too of course.

Summary

• It is the ability to understand and share in the feelings and emotions of other people.
• It is the ability to see things from their perspective.
• It is the thing that causes you to act with compassion, care and understanding.
• It is the thing that allows you to share in another person’s joy and happiness.
• To have empathy is to have the ability to listen, tune in and let your feelings drift.
• Empathy is not about assuming you know how they feel, it is about tuning in and sharing their feelings.