Fake empathy

We all conform with social norms. We act how we’re expected to act in situations that require empathy.
I have faked empathy many times, I use phrases like “that’s terrible”, “I’m so sorry to hear that”, “I’m sorry for your loss”, “I hope it gets better soon” etc. In situations where such phrases were expected of me. I’m certain you can relate. Conforming to social norms requires a certain amount of fake empathy.

I was fooled

I am convinced that the connection I had with my wife Susan was manufactured and faked by her. Now that I see all her fake empathy, I realize that she has always faked it. Worse still, when I spilled my most intimate secrets to her, she was drawing them out of me like a vampire draws blood only to later weaponize them by threatening to expose them.

I see it now

Once I reached acceptance that this horror show was real it became surprisingly easy to spot this stuff. For example:

• Ridiculous and inappropriate over the top crying and hugging at funerals.
• Over the top outpouring of emotion for people and things that is just way over the top. E.g. crying because her work colleague’s elderly mother died following a short illness.
• Seagull parenting. She flies in from time to time, she’s utterly overbearing, interfering, unhelpful, know-it-all, reading the situation all wrong, causing chaos. And then she’s gone again. Completely out of touch with Emma’s needs.
• Buying gifts for elderly family members rather than actually assisting them with their day to day living needs. Making a song and dance about the gifts, seeking praise and admiration for them.
• When it’s been established that a person is ok following some kind of incident such as a minor fall, she can be extremely irritating, continuing to make a fuss failing to recognize that the incident has passed and all is well.
• Patronizing people like you wouldn’t believe. Complementing them. Praising them. When really, it’s unwarranted, unnecessary, out of place and just plain weird. She’s acting, it’s fake, she thinks it’s appropriate and ends up getting it all wrong.

When is it most detectable?

I’m about to share something with her; good, bad or indifferent, it doesn’t matter.
I pause, I decide not to bother mentioning it.

Sound familiar?

Is it perhaps because their response is not something you want or need right now?

Why is that?

It’s because their response tends to be just off the mark, it’s either too much, not where it should be, or there will be undertones to the response that perhaps ring of jealousy?

Is the response off perhaps because of the absence of empathy? When you know the person well you see it, you see it constantly… well… you will eventually, trust me.

A work colleague

I find her very annoying. She’s constantly showering people with praise and thanks in meetings. She’s constantly patronizing people by saying daft stuff like “thank you for that Peter, people are beginning to recognize your work now, well done”.
She can’t have a conversation on Slack without asking how my day is going first and other annoying unnecessary crap that I could do without ahead of every simple question or ask. I mean, we’re all busy, there’s a time and a place for chit-chat.

All of this nonsense is way off… it just feels wrong. I didn’t spot it straight away, I liked her. Now I’m beginning to spot other things like, for example, never taking responsibility (unless there’s important people to hear her (fake) apology) by shifting the blame and upsetting people in the process. Getting visibly stressed when people disagree with her. Claiming she’s listening to them then getting passive aggressive and blatantly barging through them verbally.

This isn’t red flag stuff, it’s an army of Elves carrying “Here be narcissist!” red banners into the freaking office.