An hour in the life of being under control

I help coach the local under 12 football team, the team Emma plays on. We just lost by a significant margin in cold, wet windy conditions on a waterlogged pitch with no shelter at all. It’s 8:15pm. I’m soaking wet. Emma is soaking wet. We’re tired. I’m driving us home. Stuck in traffic, I take a sneak peak at my phone.

Number of missed calls from Susan: 6.

I phone her back because I know if I don’t there’ll be trouble. She doesn’t answer. I phone her again a few minutes later. She answers. She claims she didn’t know about the game. That’s a lie. That’s why she rang me six times.

She then proceeds to inform me (our daughter is listening to this ridiculous conversation) that “she’s been doing some thinking”.

I cut her off there as politely as I can in order to avoid upsetting her but I just cannot take this particular conversation right now. Plus it’s completely inappropriate for our daughter to hear.

We get home. Susan is not there. She later returns.

Susan: “I bought bread, did you see it?”
Me: “Yep, great, thanks.”
Susan: “I washed your clothes for you.”
Me: “Yep, great, thanks” (BTW, FYI, I’m not allowed to use the washing machine. The punishment for doing so is rage).
Susan: “Did you use the deodorant I got for you?”
Me: “Not yet, I still have some, I didn’t get to it yet.”
Susan (now getting stroppy): “Do you not want it?”
Me: “Yes, I do, thank you, I’ll get to it.”
Susan: “Well if you don’t want it just say so.”
Me: “No, I want it, I’m delighted with it, thank you.”

Things take a turn here, she’s promoting her own importance.

Susan: “Because I can take it back again if you don’t want it. I’m just trying to be helpful.”
Me: (now under a little pressure from her): “I’m delighted with the deodorant, it’s really nice, thank you.”

Now she gaslights me. In this instance, she’s accusing me of being rude. I knew she was escalating so I’ve made a point of being civil to her throughout.

Susan: “You don’t have to be so rude about it. I was only asking if you used it yet”
And on and on it goes. Ten minutes later the deodorant conversation is over. We move on.

Susan: “How’s Peter?” she asks.
Me: some random answer…
Susan “Were you talking to him today? What were you talking about?”
Me: I answer her…
Susan: “So he didn’t mention me? Did you tell him how sick I was?”
Me: I answer her…
Susan: “What did he say about it?”
Me: I answer her…

Susan: “How’s David?”
Me: I answer her…

Many questions later.

Susan: “How’s Isabel?” (my sister).
Me: _I answer that too…
Susan: “Why were you talking to her? What did she want?”.
Me: I answer that too…

Many questions later.

Susan: “How’s your Mum?”
Me: I continue to answer her.

On and on it goes. Person after person. Why was I talking to them? What were we talking about? Did we mention her?

It’s now 9:20pm. Despite bread having been bought and praise and worship required for the valiant deed, I need to run to the store to get some essentials that weren’t bought.

…

I arrive back to find Susan crying. Emma is in bed. Yet another bust up between them. I feel like I can’t even leave the house anymore without some kind of drama.

Susan: “You’ve turned her against me. I can’t even talk to her anymore. When is this going to change? When are you going to give me a chance to be a mother.”
(Note the blame shifting there. The poor relationship they have is apparently my fault).

Susan (now proper controlling by demanding): “You’re not going anywhere, we need to talk about this. You never want to talk to me. You’ll talk to all your friends and family but you won’t talk to me.”

At this point, you’re possibly thinking. John OMG, your wife is hurting, she just wants you to communicate with her and show her some compassion.

That’s a fair point and a great observation. But the thing is:

• I’ve heard this a thousand times… since last Wednesday.
• She’s lying about not knowing about Emma’s football game.
• She phoned me six times in less than an hour. This is entitlement. It’s a breach of personal boundaries and it’s controlling.
• She’s promoting her self importance via the bread and deodorant and demanding praise and worship for providing them. This is controlling.
• She’s probing all the contact I’ve had with friends and family today. This is controlling.
• She’s blaming me for her poor relationship with our daughter. Yes, this is controlling too. It’s gaslighting because the accusation is bogus.
• She’s demanding my attention, demanding I serve her. I cannot leave the room. This is controlling.

Also note the you me thing going on. I’m being gaslit. She’s accusing me of things that are simply not true.

Let’s continue…

I briefly entertain her demands to try to keep the peace then I move to a different room and switch on the T.V. She follows me. She stands in the doorway demanding that I “hear her out”. I do but it goes on for a very long time. The TV is off. My phone is down. I’m waiting for it to stop. It continues. It has something to do with me not supporting her in her battles with our daughter. It also includes something about me not getting her help. (Apparently her responsibilities rest with me.) It continues for a further ten minutes.

She informs me again that it’s all my fault. And before she finally left me in peace she threw in a real good blame for something else but unfortunately my abuse amnesia has kicked in and I can’t for the life of me remember what it was.

We’ll do it all again tomorrow anyway I’m sure.