Interior design
This was one of my more cringe memories for the relationship.
Our house was a building site; for years; with no sign of any notable improvements. I went to the trouble of doing up an Excel sheet listing over one hundred fine grained items that needed doing that would complete our house ( #fawn-response ) . E.g. Our plumber had come and given us a quote and list of material to order (a couple of years back), hence we had a plan: Bathroom 1:
- Choose shower tray
- Choose shower door
- Choose wall tiles
- Choose floor tiles
- Order shower tray
- Order shower door
- Order wall tiles
- Order floor tiles
- Choose paint color Bedroom 2:
- Choose wall paint color
- Buy wall paint
- Buy white paint for the ceiling
- Paint ceiling
- Paint walls
- And so onâŚ
It was a fine-grained, very detailed list of items that would complete our house ( #fawn-response ) . And still nothing was happening. Susan was insulted by the list. She complained about not being consulted ( #narcissistic-injury #control #jealousy ) . She also complained about not âgetting a sayâ in things ( #victim-playing #control #gaslighting ) .
It was a shared Excel sheet for Christ sake!
Still, months went by, years went by, nothing was happening. I remember taking measurements of some of the rooms and cutting out cardboard furniture to scale to try out different layouts and other such measures. Still nothing was happening, all my ideas seemed to go nowhere ( #fawn-response #devaluation #control ) . I canât recall exactly now but I do recall feeling embarrassed about my ideas and I recall quite a bit of agro over them ( #devaluation #vitriol ) .
More months went by, the months rolled into years. Still nothing was done ( #control #future-faking ) .
I tried something else. Because âourâ ideas were going nowhere I hired an interior designer. Never have I regretted anything more in my life ( #fawn-response #triangulation ) . I was ridiculed by Susan over it. She rejected the designer and her designs ( #devaluation #control ) . Her contempt for the designer and the process still fills me with a deep sense of despair and shame. Not only were my ideas all rejected, the designer was branded useless too ( #devaluation #splitting ) . We were in her office/studio just one time looking at the fabrics she had recommended (that weâd never buy). We would not be there again. The tension in the meeting was nuts. Susan was grumpy, defiant, combative, but above all snobbish as though this whole process was beneath her ( #grandiosity #belligerent #entitlement ) . The designerâs patience quickly wore thin and it was obvious she just wanted us to leave. We did, and that was that ( #trouble-maker ) . We would eventually implement a half-assed version of her design but I really wish we hadnât. Our house is simple. Simple normal stuff without the overthinking would have been ideal.
Years later I now understand what was going on.
-
Her haughtiness, arrogance and sense of entitlement resulted in her asserting control continually rejecting my ideas and preventing collaboration ( #entitlement #control #devaluation ) .
-
An enormous amount of gaslighting lead to the belief that introducing an interior designer would generate enough clout/weight to convince her. I believed that I was inadequate and incapable of decorating and furnishing simple rooms. I believed that we needed a professional designer ( #gaslighting #devaluation #trauma-bond ) . We didnât and I feel nothing but shame over this whole fiasco.
-
Fun observation: I actually triangulated with the interior designer to try to convince Susan ( #triangulation ) .
-
Iâm not sure why she didnât have any ideas herself. Perhaps, having me scrambling and being rejected and slowly losing my wits gave her a sense of power ( #control #supply ) .
-
Or maybe itâs simply that she has no interest, no ability, and simply doesnât really care.
Years later, our house is still a building site and is actually worse than ever.