The Communion dress
Context: It was time for Emmaās āfirst holy communionā, if youāre unfamiliar this is a Catholic thing. Kids aged 8 to 10ish take communion for the first time. Iām not religious, weāre not religious, people generally do it anyway regardless. A white dress not unlike a wedding dress is standard for it.
This was a bonkers time in my life and Iām not sure Iāll ever be able to rationalize it. Susan talked about getting Emma a dress. I thought nothing of it until a secondhand dress arrived one day. Iāve no issue with secondhand at all, none whatsoever, circular economy, great. The dress however was two or three sizes too big. It was also torn and crinkled ( #lack-of-empathy ) . Bonkers followed. In an attempt to rectify the situation, the dress and Emma were taken to a dressmaker person, a neighbor, who did the necessary measuring and fixing. Again, time went by, I never gave it a thought until near the time, we tried on the dress. Panic stations, it was still way too big and still torn. The fuss that followed is not something Iāll ever comprehend or make sense of. There is no scale for it ( #narcissistic-rage #vitriol ) . In the end, just days before the event, I bought Emma a dress. In that moment I became controlling, domineering and every other accusation ( #projection #darvo ) . I was overtly vilified like you wouldnāt believe ( #devaluation #vitriol ) . Itās not something Iāll ever fully comprehend. I should not have had to buy the dress. I know nothing about dresses. I never gave the dress a thought until the 11th hour. Surely, the buying of the dress should have been a mother daughter bonding thing ( #lack-of-empathy ) . Despite the bonkers, I feel nothing but sadness here. It feels like grieving the loss of something. This and incidents like it paved the way to where we are now.