The fallout

In my experience, Narcissism is the single most destructive force I’ve ever encountered.

I return with Emma from football training. Emma sits in the car reluctant to come in to the house. Now, I know something is up because I believe Susan and Emma had a major bust up yesterday evening while I was out. I don’t pressure Emma, I just inform her that I’ll have Hot Chocolate and toast ready for her shortly in the living room.

Hostility

I walk in, I’m immediately met with threats and fury. Something along the lines of her paying money to somebody who will get her access to my emails so she can see what I said about her to my sister… or some such nonsense. She reminds me that she has my old phones. She’s very freaking bad this evening, clearly injured by something or someone.

Illogical

I hear the door opening, in walks Emma, out walks Emma because Susan immediately screams at her the weirdest and most ironic thing ever, something like “YOU WON’T EVEN TALK TO ME, YOU NEVER WANT TO TALK TO ME, JUST GO TO HELL, DADDY WILL PAY FOR THIS, I’LL MAKE HIM PAY…”. On and on it goes.

Crying

I give it a while before I go out to get Emma, she’s outside. She’s crying. She’s refusing to come in (again). This is hard. Eventually she comes in just as Susan drives out the driveway at speed.

Calm

A calm descends on the house. But it is short lived. Susan returns.

Things seem to be peaceful, I go to the shop for milk (and just to get away). I come back, Emma gets ready for bed (Susan continues to stare into her phone in the kitchen).

Emma is now in bed, I’m tucking her in and saying good night when she starts to cry. It all pours out. She announces that there are only two people “that are nice”, me and Holly (Holly is her favorite source of comfort doll/baby). I take no pleasure in being the other recipient of such an honor.
Then Emma, still in tears, announces that she wishes she was dead. She says she doesn’t want to live anymore. She talks about being alone, having no siblings, having no cousins her own age (that’s not quite true so we can gently and passively address that when she’s less over-tired). She talks about her life having no purpose, “what’s the point in me being alive?” she asks. She talks about one of her friends being mean and turning the other girls against her.

Dear God

Neither of these horrors are new but this was on another level. I’ve never seen her so committed to it before.

My 11 year old daughter wants to die.

Meanwhile, her mother, oblivious to this, out in the kitchen, messaging her new boyfriend is crying about how mistreated she is.

That is narcissism.

RAGE and Destruction

Thirty minutes later, I receive verbal venom from her for at least another thirty minutes. All about her and how I’ll be made to pay for the way I mistreat her and that everybody will be told all my intimate confidences. With rage, she continues to scream at me,

My body was damaged when Emma was born, I had a prolapse, yes, a prolapse John… and YOU never got me the help I needed. Everybody is going to know the truth, everybody is going to know that I had postnatal depression after Emma was born and YOU didn’t get me the help I needed. Oh you’ll play in the garden with Emma, but YOU won’t even fucking talk to me. I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE”.

Emma is awake in bed.

That is narcissism. Narcissism destroys lives. Narcissism is hell fire and fury all hidden behind a happy family facade.

Compassion

I’ll admit, I sometimes find it so fucking hard to hear certain people talking with an arrogant swagger about compassion and mental illness and healing. This stuff is serious. The victims need compassion. This stuff is real destruction. There are people in prison for far less.