Narcissism >

Narcissism - Second pass

Yup, I know, still not clear on what exactly narcissism is? No problem, that was me too.

The DSM

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR) (the bible of this stuff) defines nine personality tenets that characterize Narcissistic Personality Disorder. To make the cut, at least five of the nine need to be present and elevated in a person, non stop, over a long period of time, generally their entire life beginning I believe in early adulthood. As with any personality disorder, the person will be negatively impacted by it.

…Ok, let’s pause right there…

Before we go any further, aliens are not taking over the planet, these things are present in every single human being that ever lived including the nice ones. That’s very handy actually, it means that even us mere mortals can understand this stuff just by examining our own behavior. Too much of these things however is not good, hence the disorder.

The nine

Grandiosity: The individual has an inflated sense of self-importance, often exaggerating achievements and talents.

Fantasies of success: They are preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

Belief in uniqueness: They believe they are special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people.

Need for admiration: They require excessive admiration to maintain their self-esteem and feel validated.

Sense of entitlement: They have unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their wishes.

Sneaky bastards: They take advantage of others to achieve their own ends, often without guilt or remorse.

Lack of empathy: They are unwilling or unable to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

Envy: They are often envious of others or believe others are envious of them.

Arrogance: They regularly show arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

My Wife’s narcissism

She argues.
She takes a lot.
She gives very little.
When she gives a little
- She pretends it’s a lot.
- She seeks praise and admiration for it.
- She exaggerates it.
She’s constantly picking fights.
She never takes responsibility for anything.
She never apologizes.
- Dam it! She does apologize. I don’t even get the satisfaction of blurbing “she never”. When she does however, she’ll still blame me for causing her do the thing she’s apologizing for.
She’s constantly angry.
She criticizes me a lot.
Nothing is ever good enough.
She spends hours, even days trash talking me.
She threatens me.
She blackmails me.
She’s had multiple affairs.
She accuses me of parental alienation (over the phone while shopping for designer brands while I do the parenting or while I’m at one of our daughters football games and she is not).
She’s utterly disinterested in our daughter.
She thinks her job is really really important. It’s just a normal unremarkable job.
She accuses me of doing the bad things she does herself.
She accuses me of being angry, hostile and aggressive to her while she is being angry, hostile and aggressive to me.
She accuses me of not doing enough for her.
She accuses me of being more attentive to our daughter than to her.
She accuses me of being more attentive to my family than to her.
She accuses me of being more attentive to my friends than to her.
She accuses me of being more attentive to work than to her.
She accuses me of not bringing her on vacations/weekends away enough but doesn’t dream of organizing such things herself.
When I bring her on vacations/weekends away the coffee will be bad, the hotel beds will be bad, the pillows will be too hard. The restaurant should have been booked later or earlier or whatever.
She accuses me of using too much electricity and so refuses to pay the bill.
She accuses me of not getting the best deal on the mortgage and so refuses to pay the mortgage.
She pays a trivial annual low cost bill and proclaims that she pays “her fair share” of the bills.
She cannot accept a point of view. She will receive it as a declaration of war.
I repeat, conversations are one way. Discussion is nonexistent.
She cannot be reasoned with.
She is always correct, I am always wrong.
She shouts a lot.
She lies, constantly.
She cheats.
She steals.
She rams screwdrivers into my computers.
She punishes me by confiscating things.
She punishes me by locking doors in the house.
She tries to get a rise of of me.
- And if it works, she remembers it forever and reminds me of it daily.
She buys about 1% of the groceries and claims she buys all the groceries.
If I cook for her, she yells at me for using “her” pots and pans and/or not cleaning them or some such.
If I don’t cook for her, she yells at me for not cooking for her.
She takes what she wants.
She bad mouths me to other people all the time.
“Tails of a Scorched Earth” was one of my favorite Pumpkins songs way back when. I now seem to live in an earth that is Scorched by her regularly.
I am a peacemaker for her.
I have to work hard to keep the peace (i.e. walking on eggshells)
I have to placate her constantly.
I have to appease her constantly.
She’s overbearing in social occasions. She talks utter nonsense about things she knows nothing about and yet the people she’s talking to don’t see it as total bullshit. I have to hand it to her, it’s spectacular to see it in operation.
She ruins parties by sulking, being angry or just being a pain in the ass in some way or other. After the party, she’s fine and there’s no mention of it.
Bad things happen on Monday, like, scorched earth things, on Tuesday it’s as though it never happened.
She literally tortures me if I happen to be ill and unable to get up.
She rages.
She brags.
She commands praise and appreciation.
Her attention seeking is relentless.
She picks fights.
And so much more. It’s exhausting.

She cannot be approached about any of this, any approach is considered a declaration of war.

Silent treatments are common too. My wife doesn’t do those. I kinda wish she did, I could use the peace and quiet 😃. Sorry, that was insensitive. I’m aware that the silent treatments are torture. Heads up for later, they are a form of control. She might as well just hit you instead. They are simply two different techniques to achieve the same level of control over you.

Sound familiar?

That was narcissism. Does any of that sound familiar?

Keep in mind

Toddlers are like this, throwing tantrums and whatnot with no regard for anybody else. Teenagers tend to be a little bit this way too (and it can be a very healthy in terms of development). Adult assholes are also a thing. So, steady on, we’re not in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.

Behavior

Like I said, there are defense mechanism clinical reasons for the disorder but that’s for the psychologists to figure out with the individual person given that individual’s individual, unique-circumstances, personality, genetics, culture and history. For us lay people, narcissism is bad behavior of the variety listed above.

NPD is a clinical term. “Narcissist” is not.