An unique insight

In an unusual set of circumstances, I believe I was afforded the opportunity to experience what life is like inside an NPD mind.

A person close to me betrayed me, they rejected me in my hour of need. The person said to me over the phone, “I’ve heard enough and I don’t want to hear anymore about it, I’m fed up with it now”. I hung up.

It happened during my divorce proceedings. My stress levels were already at a level I don’t recall experiencing before. This was an unusual set of circumstances and I was in a rock-bottom terrible state. I was faced with:

• The prospect of losing my daughter.
• The prospect of losing my home.
• The prospect of being financially ruined.
• The prospect of losing my reputation because Susan’s smear campaign was in full flight.
• My work contract was also coming to an end and I wasn’t sure if it was going to be renewed or not.
• Not to mention that I was being verbally attacked every day by Susan.

This was an abnormal circumstance and my mental health was not good, not good at all. When the person said that to me, I felt emotions on another level. I felt RAGE like I’d never experienced before. I couldn’t get over it. I couldn’t sit still. I wanted to scream. I wanted to destroy. I wanted to harm. I could not calm down. This lasted for days.

I was injured. I was betrayed. I was rejected.

I was also suffering from chronic mental illness at the time. The comment was bad but to me it felt existential. My reaction to it was not normal. My perception of the situation was off. My feelings of betrayal and rejection were more than they should have been. My emotions during those days were outside of the normal bell curve.

I believe that in those days, I may have learned what a person with NPD experiences when they perceive betrayal and rejection. If this is how they feel, then it would explain the narcissistic rage.

I am emotionally regulated. I kept my rage to myself. I did not externalize it. I did vent it to a friend though. That helped. If I were not emotionally regulated, I would have engaged in behavior that would possibly be indistinguishable from narcissistic rage.

If this is how a person with NPD perceives the world. If these are the emotions they feel. Then, for them, it’s a very tough life. For me, living like that would be almost intolerable.