Susan's Rules

I cannot under any circumstances use the washing machine or dryer.

Tells me every second day that I'm not to put my clothes in the washing machine and if I do, she'll be taking them out.

I must never under any circumstances turn on the central heating to heat the house.

I must only use a small amount of fuel in the solid-fuel-stove per day, she checks the volume of ashes periodically or checks the amount of solid-fuel remaining outside to enforce.

Gives out to me for putting on a fire when it's apparently too warm to put one on.

Gives out to me for not putting on a fire when apparently, it's cold enough for a fire.

Towels are provided at her discretion, I must never put towels in the wash or take new ones from the shelf.

Same applies to tea-towels, even when the current one is wet and dirty I must not get another one from the kitchen drawer.

I'm not allowed go anywhere with my friends (who incidentally had traveled to Germany for a weekend a few months back, I turned them down this time in the interest of protecting Emma and keeping the peace).

I must park my car in the same place because her usual place is hers. The penalty for violation is a nice dose of rage.

The clothes horse has to be over by the Wi-Fi router (potentially dripping on it) rather than a bit away from it. No point in arguing.

Plates and cups must be returned to their exact locations always.

I'm not permitted to use certain cups, glasses or cutlery.

I'm not allowed to turn on the hall light (although enforcement of this is irregular and unpredictable).

I'm not allowed to turn on outside lights for any reason.

I'm only allowed to brush Emma's teeth when she permits it (Emma is older now, this rule is less prevalent than it used to be).

During the bedtime routine with Emma, she demands that Emma's bedroom door be kept open. She'll frequently arrive at the door demanding to know the conversation and criticizing it.

I'm only allowed to tuck Emma in at bedtime when she permits it (this is a relatively recent rule).

I'm not allowed to store cardboard (cereal boxes etc.) for art projects, if found it's immediately disposed of, and I receive quite a lot of anger for violating the rule.

I'm not allowed to use any of “her” cleaning products under any circumstances.

The breadboard must remain on a designated counter-top and cannot be put away (although that rule is intermittent).

I must remove and empty the coffee machine arm after each use. Failure to do so results in prolonged vitriolic outbursts.