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The future, post divorce

In our divorce proceedings I was aiming for full custody. Susan was requesting 50% custody. Then I was brought down to earth by my solicitor. Unless Susan gets jail for something, she is still Emma’s mother and will have access rights and will be involved in all decision making relating to Emma. Bummer!

Custody - The reality

So, I’m seeking to have Emma live with me as many days a week as possible. It turns out that time is divided into fourteen day intervals. An example arrangement might be:

Week 1, Emma will spend Wednesday and Thursday with me.
On week 2, Emma will spend Thursday to Monday with me. She’ll be with Susan all other days.

Specific handover times are often set. In our case, we will use school as a buffer, Emma will be collected from school by Susan she will spend a few days (or whatever the arrangement is) with her. I will then collect Emma from school and keep her for x days. This cycle repeats.
Special provision is made for Christmas and birthdays, e.g. it may be prescribed that from 9am Christmas eve to 9pm Christmas day Emma will be with Susan and the following two days she will be with me ending at a specific time. These days are exceptions, special days. Normal service resumes as the clock strikes nine.

My tenets of the separation

Emma finishes out primary school in her current school.
Susan and I no longer live together.
Communication between us is reduced to as close to zero as possible.

It turns out that item number one there is generally mandated if it’s possible at all. The welfare of the child comes first in all of this which kinda means that both parents, although living separately, must come to some arrangement whereby the child’s normal routine including school is not changed or disrupted.

Good Intentions

Yes, seeking a majority custody is about control.
Yes, it is about denying Susan.
My intentions are however good, my motivations are well intended and have Emma front and centre.

Shared custody

I am at peace with it. It’s inevitable.
I will adapt accordingly.
It will provide wonderful vectors for Susan to torture me in new and imaginative ways. I will suffer greatly.
I hope I get more time with Emma than Susan does, it’s less time for Susan to mess her up even more.

Reservations

I do have some reservations about getting majority custody. I have been a single parent since Emma was born so I’m used to it but I’m under no illusions, it’s not easy.
An empty, quiet house with just the two of us will present certain challenges, no doubt about it.
I am acquainted with another single Dad. He is single due to bereavement. He talks about how difficult it can be sometimes.
I get it.
It’s not easy being a single parent. Being emotionally available at all times is not easy but in fairness, I do expect it to be easier without a wall of sound emanating from Susan’s direction at all times.
Spontaneous “three-marker challenges”, or “Guess the word in fifteen words or less”, or “can you help me with <insert unbelievably awkward difficult thing here>” are not easy.
It can be difficult to rise to such occasions when all I want to do is drink a cup of tea in peace after a stressful day.

Then there are puberty issues. Comprehending and being a support for the omnipresent mind boggling complex dynamics among the ladies in her class can also be challenging.

She is an only child. She has no cousins or family under 45 anywhere near where we live. Her Mum is difficult to say the least. Emma is alone. I cannot be her only support. This is not sustainable.

What I really want

It is not about me. All I really want is peace and quiet. I want Emma to travel the world. I want her to be confident, free and independent. I want her moved out of the house as soon as she’s ready. I am not looking for a life-long companion here with mutual dependency on each other. I never, ever, ever want her to defer, divert or decline any opportunities in life because of me. I never want her looking after me when I’m old. I’d love to see her married with several kids at a young age so that she will never be lonely. But above all, I want her to follow HER dreams.

Stability

Emma needs stability. She needs a run of a few years where she isn’t screamed at. Where she isn’t guilted for not capitulating to ever changing and inconsistent demands made on a whim.

The current relationship

Like my relationship with Susan, Susan and Emma’s relationship has completely broken down too. They do not communicate. Emma screams at Susan. Susan either sulks or disowns Emma in untamed belligerent outbursts.

Affairs

Susan has been on a dating site (or specifically a Facebook dating group). She has met several potential replacements for me. One of which seems to be enduring. As clearly evidenced here, Emma would have a new Daddy (or a succession of new Daddy’s) in no time at all. I think that’s probably a really bad thing.

Healing

Emma needs to heal. I need to heal. Shared custody provides vectors for continued abuse. In a shared arrangement, there would be no healing, the fighting would continue.

The problem with shared custody

She will twist things about, I’ll be asked to repair her house in the interest of Emma.
There will be an unusual amount of issues that require my attention and interaction with Susan over Emma. Mostly fabricated of course.
I’ll be asked to provide money in the interest of Emma.
Handover times will be used as a means of control and narcissistic supply. She will not adhere to them and she will chop and change them on a whim.
Our lives will remain intertwined. She will continue to use and abuse me.
She’ll hand me Emma on days she’s supposed to have her.
She’ll pick a fight with her and demand that I collect her.
She’ll keep Emma up all night before she returns her to me (she already does this the night before anything significant).
She will try to turn Emma against me. The smear campaign is already well underway.
In reality, she will not do any parenting, she will offload Emma to her elderly Mum (who would of course be delighted) but is unable to care for Emma.
On the flip side, Susan’s older sister lives there too, she’s ok, that is good.
Susan will not stick to the arrangements in any way shape or form. She will chop and change constantly and will expect everybody to sing and dance for her.
The narcissistic abuse will continue.

Fairness

Is she being fair by asking for 50%?

Yes

Let’s try this again…

No.

It’s a bargaining tool, As unbelievable as it may sound, and incredible as it may sound, she has alluded to the trade off. She has told me in no uncertain terms that she is only asking for 50% custody as a bargaining tool to ensure she gets the house. She will give up a percentage of custody time for the family house.

Is she sure that this is what she really wants? Nope… it changes all the time.

Collaboration and Guilt

Susan and I are entirely incapable of any kind of collaboration whatsoever. Bickering and arguing accompany any joint decision. The result is generally that one of us will just do the thing irrespective. I would consider it essential to Emma’s well being that no such bickering be associated with any big decisions. I really don’t want Emma carrying the guilt of that with her through life. I don’t want her to feel like a burden, an inconvenience, a difficulty during every decision. She already does, she needs to be reprogrammed.

The smear campaign complication

This really complicates things. She is from the locality. I am not. If she continues her campaign of battering my reputation it could become very problematic. I’ve overheard her talking to people about how controlling I am and how angry I am with her. She has vowed to tell people that I have exhibited sexual violence against her, rape, physical violence, threatening, intimidating and rageful behavior by screaming at her, throwing objects and shaking my fists at her. She has vowed to tell everybody about what a bad temper I have. She has vowed to tell people that I am an alcoholic. And above all, with real venom, she has threatened to tell my fellow football coaches that I am a pedophile and should not be around children. This is a small town. If she plants any of those seeds, people will have doubts. This will not only have very negative implications for me, It’ll have really bad implications for Emma also.

Additional complication

She hangs something very personal over me, she threatens to disclose it.
If she does, it will damage my relationship with certain members of my family.
This is very personal and she is pure evil to blackmail me in this way.

Even further complications

She has a report compiled by a social worker. In it she alleges all the aforementioned abuses against me.
The social worker to her credit doesn’t seem to offer any opinions, it is all just stated matter-of-factly
that “client said this” “client said that”.
The report even includes a bogus claim that I tried to choke her about nine years ago.
Susan regularly refers to this particular incident during her belligerent ramblings.

Being a single Dad

I have been a single Dad since the day I took Emma and a bottle upstairs away
from the anger and frustration where she eventually drank the bottle for me.
With that, she was soon weaned off breastfeeding
(major plus to Susan there on the breast feeding BTW, credit where credit is due). Once bottles got introduced, Susan was free again, she could go wherever and whenever she wanted for as long as she wanted.
We had a childminder during work hours, and both Granny’s helped a lot. Susan’s Mum took Emma each evening from Susan after the childminder, allowing Susan to go for extended walks. After that I took over. On weekends, I became the exclusive parent in Susan’s inexplicable absence.

Then covid happened, I began working from home and Susan stopped being a parent completely. Now she blames me for alienating her but that’s another story. I have always and ever nurtured Emma’s abilities. I cannot recall a single time I had to raise my voice to her.
Saturday’s were long but enjoyable. Susan was nowhere to be seen. I began to teach Emma everything through roleplay involving teddy’s. The teddy’s had names, voices and their own personalities. I taught Emma sport. I taught her everything. All the while Susan was absent, all day every day, not returning until late evening. Gone all weekend. At times I was desperate for a break. At times I was desperate just to get out of the house, even just to be able to finish a cup of tea while it was warm without having to hold cardboard that was being glued. But it was worth it, I will never forget Emma’s face when the flour and salt dough she was rolling materialized into PlayDough, sheer happiness at having made her own. Since then, she’s made entire towns from cardboard, she’s wrote stories, she’s built everything and anything from schools to hospitals to forts, with every item we have in the house. She is happy, I am happy. Susan is still a wall of belligerent sound contaminating the peace. Hotels, drives, dates, dinners, shopping, time in town together, nothing, and I mean nothing was ever good enough. The crying, the sulking, the blaming, the entitlement, the shouting, all continued. My only hope is that when we’re finally done, Emma does not have to endure another tantrum. Each one causes me to die a little more inside.

Hope

Those were some thoughts. I spoke to my psychologist about my concerns. He remained in character while smiling his response to me.

John, you’ve been living in misery for years. You won’t be sitting in a room listening to a clock ticking. Your life with Emma will get even better as you both emerge out of the sadness and into a whole new world. I’ve no doubt you’ll be well able to find plenty things to enjoy together. Your life is about to be transformed.

(Or something to that effect)

He’s right of course. We hang out all day every day anyway. Now we won’t be doing it in captivity.