Behaviors - Part 2

makes crazy allegations

Calls you a pedophile because you comforted your daughter

brings up your intimate past continually

She uses your deepest, private, intimate secrets that you shared with her, as weapons against you by threatening to expose them to your friends and family

rewrites past events

It's how she remembers it. Therefore it was. End of. You doubt yourself, after all, you can't be fully sure?

you dread weekends away together

The trip there is fraught with arguments, dissatisfaction and anger. While there, she is disappointed day to day hour to hour minute to minute. The coffee is bad, the TV isn't working, the pillows are hard, the beds are uncomfortable, she's rude to the waiter, she wants a room upgrade, she expects special treatment from the hotel staff. When you get home and things settle, you receive much hatred for such a disappointing trip away. Everything about it was your fault.

when family vacations end, bad things happen

While you dread weekends away you are capable of having good vacations that include her family and people who tolerate her. These vacations are different though, they have lots of luxury, grandiosity, photo opportunities, alcohol drinking opportunities, relaxing opportunities (for her) not for you but at least you get some peace and quiet. Afterwards, the experience will have to be shared and admired by as large an audience as possible. Immediately after you get home however, it's torture, the mood swings are worse than usual.

you are a peace keeper and peace negotiator

She's involved in a minor car collision. Normally insurance details are exchanged and due process is followed. People generally want to avoid the inconvenience of it and just find the easiest path to resolution often with some compromise involved. Not your wife. The dispute starts out cordial but before long it's clear that she won't concede one inch, the dispute escalates until eventually you reluctantly step in and negotiate a peace deal.

uses absolutes

You "never" blah blah ("never"? really?, I generally do the thing). You "always" (Nope, I never do the thing at all ever actually, or I occasionally do the thing but to say always is simply not correct) And the popular, you do nothing for me but you do everything for <insert your child's/sister's/mother's name here>

doesn't seem to know you at all

She doesn't receive a letter she was expecting regarding an appointment. Suddenly your're accused of receiving the letter, opening it, reading it and discarding it so she wouldn't know you saw it. Errr.... who is this person she's describing, this goes against every principal and value you have, it's against your very nature. So does she know you at all? Who is this person she's describing? Hint, is it her?

nothing gets done in the house

Finally, after months of waiting for the plummer to come and quote you for the bathroom renovation. He arrives, he gives you all the details. Great, you're ready to go. Oh wait... there's a problem. The tiler the plumber uses is a bad guy, not a nice guy at all, we'll have to get a different plumber. Some months later, even years later another plumber arrives. This guy insists on putting tiles on the floor where there is currently vinal. He explains that it's essential. Nope, this guy won't do at all. She knows best, she's not paying for that, this guy is no good. Another plumber must be summoned. Absolutely!

falling out with tradesmen

So, finally, your electrician is here to install the new ceiling lights, you've been sizing up this minor renovation for what seems like years now. Wonderful to finally get this done, it will transform the atmosphere of the room. You've talked about this in a dreamy fashion during peace times. You've bonded over it. But wait there's a major problem, his van is parked in your wife's spot in the driveway when she gets home. Major trouble. This electrician is bad. More trouble, a mysterious scrape has appeared on the flooring in the hallway, it's hard to know but it looks new. The electrician is to blame. Batten down the hatches, here we go, let the trouble begin.

is a great actor

She can cry on demand. She can elicit sympathy with pity plays that would win her an oscar. Her lies can be very credible and believable. She can entertain a crowd yet be obnoxious to you immediately before and immediately after. Can mingle in a crowd and talk about absolutely anything to anyone. In a strop but can flip to happy outgoing wife mode in an instant when other people arrive (depending on who they are of course).

makes promises for a better future

Talks about the perfect home, the perfect family, the perfect happy future you can achieve together. She can be dreamy or assertive about it. This tends to happen during peace times after a prolonged period of turmoil, anger, turbulence and torture for you. It sounds very promising, a new beginning, a clean slate. But nothing changes.

has curious ideas about people doing special favours for her

Has very curious ideas about how the doctor is going above and beyond just because it's her. Seems to think that the car valet guy is going to do a little extra just for her.

is perpetually the victim

And don't you know it. You have endured endless hours of crying and blaming. And you dare not walk off while there is sympathy to be doled out. Perpetual, illogical, whining, crying, and blaming everybody but herself for all the many happenings that could easily have been avoided with a little tact, consideration, compromise and empathy.

consistently low temper threshold

She has tantrums. But it may not manifest as rage, it can be a cold, calculated, rumbling, belligerent, vitriolic prolonged rant. Accuses you of having a temper

needs special treatment

Despite the restaurant being completely full and booked out she will insist on being given a table, will try to charm the staff member into giving her a table (even if she isn't very good at charm, she thinks she is). Same applies to last minute hair appointments. Same applies to getting reduced rates or after hours service. And when she isn't give the special treatment, the person who refused is bad, rude and will be reported or punished.

tends to be a hero

Has questionable stories about how her heroics in work today saved a life or saved the company a fortune.

knowingly exhibits disrespect to others

Can leave the hotel bathroom in a bad state. Points out that it's not her job to clean it, people are paid to do that. Refuses to take her trash to the bin on her way out, just leave it there. You will end up doing it for her, you won't get thanks, you'll get disrespected too for doing it.

consumes your time

She'll phone you and despite the fact that you point out that you're busy (working or whatever) she'll continue talking and consuming your time. When you gently tell her you simply must go, that you have received the message (or more likely the instruction) she'll become obnoxious with you telling you that you don't give her enough time, you have time for work but you have no time for me. You have to turn off the big game to pay attention to her rambling problems and further assertions that you don't give her enough of your time.

will block people or unfriend / unfollow them

In bizarre acts of defiance, she'll seem to have fallings out with people regularly. In response, she'll unfriend or unfollow them on social media only to reinstate them again later. She'll delete peoples contact details from her phone. Pointing out how futile, counterintuitive and daft that is is utterly pointless.

invades your personal space and me-time

The only me-time you have is when she's not there. When she's there, she will not leave you alone, she'll find a reason to challenge you or to antagonize you or simply demand your attention.

will not take NO for an answer

You tell her you do not wish to have the discussion about changing mortgage right now because it's 10:00pm at night but you're happy to have it tomorrow after work at 6:00pm when we have a couple of hours to dedicate to it. She will not accept that, she'll accuse you of not caring and become hostile to you.

avoids paying for things

Any excuse not to pay will do. Perfectly happy to let other pay though.

you're uncomfortable with how she treats animals

She pretends to be kind to the neighbors cat. But you've seen her be ruthless and cruel to her when she wants rid of her.

she has a sadistic streak

You've seen it.

annoying habits are permanent

Everybody has annoying habits, for sure. But you cannot tell her, she feels entitled to do as she pleases, she just doesn't care that they upset or inconvenience you. She persists with them.

interactions with her have undertones

There will be snide remarks. She'll be snarky and backhanded. She'll throw digs at you. She'll get semi-hostile with you, she'll be stroppy. You were talking to Sally, really? Why would you be talking to that b***h? She disapproves but won't say it outright. She makes you beg her to tell you what's wrong.

all or nothing is common

She'll be 100% committed to a workout routine for a couple of months doing far in excess of what is normal or recommended. Then it will suddenly 100% stop. She'll be 100% committed to healthy eating plan for a couple of months. It will be important, there will be a fuss, people will be informed, you'll be accused of not supporting her by eating as you normally do and providing food for the kids as you normally do. She'll stress over it, there will be boasting, announcements, proclamations, condescending about how you should be doing it too and how it's making such a wonderful difference to her. Then one day it will have 100% stopped.

she's a snob

Well... not all the time, when she chooses to be.

manufactures situations where she's more important than you

Insists on cooking breakfast for you, your kids, her sister and her mother etc. You've been here before, you're wise to it so you really just want cornflakes as usual, life is so much easier that way. But no, it's not done with love or a humble happy generosity. There's stress. "Take the kids out of my way, I have to get this done. You're not helping at all. Do you know how much effort I went to for you today. You never appreciate anything I do for you". Pointing out that she volunteered for it makes matters worse but her responses to you here are illogical, nonsensical, meandering and border on daft.

She tells you how you should feel

You express that your unhappy with something she did to you, one of her behaviors. You try to explain that what she's doing is hurtful. She mocks you for that and tells you to grow up. And nope, she doesn't stop, listen, hear, understand, reflect, accept, empathize, apologize and ultimately change her ways. She minimizes her behavior if she even admits to it at all.

her hurt is generally worse than yours

You try to explain that what she's doing is hurtful. She scoffs and smirks: "Well what you do to me is way worse that".

boasting is very common

But it may feel wrong because there is generally so much drama, she's often upset by people and tends to be the victim of people. Can we not have something in the middle please for a change.

she exaggerates a lot

Period.

others do it too so it's ok

She justifies bad behavior by pointing out that Jimmy down the road or Paula up the road does it too.

no real conviction

Tends to lack real opinions on many things yet can be very convincing when emulating opinions. [today]"Yes, climate change is very worrying". [the next day]"Absolutely, this whole climate change thing is a complete farce"

doesn't seem to spot the danger

You point out that the shortcut she takes while driving through the busy junction every day is actually extremely dangerous to both her and to others. Her response: "Well it would be their fault if they hit me".

takes credit for your achievements

She'll persistently insist that it was her that taught your daughter how to do the back flip on the trampoline. Whereas in reality it was you who put in a huge amount of time and effort into enabling your daughter. Enabling her to learn it herself safely, step by step in order to get the technique correct and the confidence levels where they needed to be in order to master the tricky manoeuver without pressure or undue expectations. The detail of how she taught her will be completely absent if you probe but of course such probing will be met with hostility and aggression.

claims credit for your kids achievements

So, wonderful, your child won a race. Fantastic. She only won it of course because your wife was a great athlete when she was that age too. In fact, trophies and medals may even be resurrected and put on display in the house to ram the point down your throat and keep you reminded that it was all her not you.

she will ruin occasions version 1

It's halloween. She's gone in the morning. You and the kids dress up, you begin the games, fun is being had. She's still gone. Later, much later, she returns. She's annoyed to see that you've started without her absent self. She sulks at the kitchen table for the remainder of the day. She refuses to participate no matter how you try to include her. She utterly ruins the occasion.