Behaviors - Part 1

you just can't explain it to your friends

🙃 She’s angry all the time, no matter what I do.

😎 So why don’t you bring her out on a date night, clear the air?

🙃 Bad things happen.

😎 Eh? What kind of bad things?

🙃 hmmm… honestly, I’m not sure.

😎 What?

🙃 It’s confusing, it’s just not normal, but I can’t really explain it.

it's just never enough

You do a lot for the kids, you do so much of the housework, you are kind to your spouse but it isn't enough. You fear the reaction to that one thing you didn't get to. You cannot understand what is happening to you. You cannot understand the behavior of your spouse. You can't even explain it to your friends. You forget. Things are ok for a while. Then they kick off again. All you want is peace and quiet. If you do stuff to try to achieve that, it causes trouble. If you do nothing, it causes trouble. When you do anything in between, it causes trouble. But then everything is ok again.... until it's not. Then you can't explain it. Not even your therapist can figure it out. They tell you be kinder, to do more. You do, but still you fear the reaction. The reaction always comes. Once again, you tried. You went on the family trip but, the hotel wan't good enough, the car was too hot, the coffee was bad. The staff were rude. It was your fault. Yu try harder next time. You know something is off but you cannot even explain it to your friends, they tell you to bring her for date night. You do. It ends up awful.

it just doesn't seem to stack up with bipolar disorder

Sure, there are mood swings all the time but, everything you read about bipolar disorder just doesn't seem to match. It doesn't seem to fit with autism either

you can't even remember what she was angry about

it was something to do with you not spending enough time with her or something to do with you talking more to your children or your family than her but it's just endless... and it's exhausting

if you're honest, you start to dislike her... a lot.... You dread when she comes home

now she's justified in saying you don't give her enough attention, you don't do enough for her so you try to fix it and you try and you try and you try

she accuses you of abusing her

That one time you raised your voice. That one time you slammed a book on the table. She just won't let it go. She reminds you again and again and again and again. She's going to tell your family. You're genuinely sorry. You deeply regret the incident. You can't understand what came over you.

your relationship therapist asks you to do more...

... for your wife and for your kids. She feels your wifes pain. Your wife is in tears about all her hurt. She feels excluded. She feels as though you ignore her. She has no relationship with the kids. It's somehow your fault.

you just can't seem to get through to her

As you try to reason with her, she brings up the past, she won't answer a question, she changes the subject, she argues with you. It's hopeless

she threatens to end the relationship

constantly

you simply don't trust her

Period.

you are afraid of what she'll do

You're afraid she'll contaminate your food or something to that effect. No? Really? Think, long and hard, in the early days of your relationship, she'll actually have told you that she did something like this to somebody. Think. That did register with you at the time yet you're still here, years later.

you feel completely exhausted and drained

She is draining the life and soul out of you. You have no energy for her anymore. Hint: She's an Energy Vampire

you have to justify everything you do

You need a new phone but you have to really justify it to her before you can buy it. You buy new headphones... you have to answer many questions about why you needed them, how much they cost, and how much use you'd get from them.

you are continually challenged by her

Almost all interactions with her feel like she is challenging you for something. There is a continuos push pull struggle. It's exhausting. You try to avoid interacting with her.

she follows you around the house

She just won't leave you alone. She invades your space. She demands your attention. She gets angry and vindictive when you try to escape her.

you have to parent in secret

Something important is going on with your kid. They're having difficulty in school and need additional support. You find that you have to provide this support in secret, away from your wife. If she picks up on it she becomes overbearing. She gets it all wrong and starts flinging accusations about directed at other parents, other kids and teachers. She ends up making the problem far worse.

she simply doesn't care that the kids hear her

She seems to have no regard for the kids, she just lets rip right in front of them and, often lets rip at them. You try to get her to stop. You're accused of controlling behavior when you try to stop her

there are weird rules and ownership

You're not allowed to use her washing machine or her coffee machine or some such. She later denies the rules and encourages you to use them. Only to flip back again

you receive punishments

Yet you have no idea why. The punishments are desperately inconvenient, petty, truly horrible and make you feel utter despair and anguish

you receive ultimatums with very specific deadlines

You have two weeks to answer or there will be consequences. You have three days to get you and your stuff out of this house

you put in the extra effort yet all you get is grief

She was away with her friends for the weekend. You decide to surprize her. You clean the house from top to bottom. You wash the clothes. You wash the windows. You have dinner ready for her. She comes back, she hates you. She screams at you. She tries to kick you out of the house. She's angry for days.

you are expected to fix her problems

and she demands that you do so.

you are accused of being just as bad as her

when confronted, she claims you do worse so it's somehow ok for her to do the bad thing

you get the dreaded silent treatment

but it's not a calm peace, it's not a reprieve from the anger or the nagging, there's an aggression to this and you're fearful of it. It's like something is building, something is brewing, something bad. You dare not approach.

there is constant DRAMA

No matter what it is, it's guaranteed to be dramatic. You'll notice that during the drama she is front and center while your needs and the needs of your children are completely and utterly irrelevant and inconsequential. It will be necessary to down tools and tend to every whim and need otherwise you'll be accused of being neglectful, selfish and villainous. She must be served now, all other matters are rescinded.

there is a long list of people she has issue with

Yep, you're not the only one. Past relationships, intimate, friends or work, she wil have fallen out with them, will have nothing good to say about them, will have plenty bad to say about them

she loves you, she hates you, flip flop

One minute she loves you, the next minute she hates you. All of a sudden. It's bizarrely unpredictable. But it's not just reserved for you, friends and family get toggled from good to bad over and over again. And of course, so do the kids, with venom: "you're just a stupid child, get away from me". Then: "Ah darling, come here and spend some time with me, I love you so much".

never apologizes

Never with any authenticity. Never with any genuine remorse. It generally has excuses or terms and conditions attached. I'm sorry but... If you hadn't done ABC, then I wouldn't have done XYZ...... so you end up apologizing

it is always someone elses fault

No IF's no BUT's. Simple as. It's never, ever, ever her fault. Always someone elses fault. No exceptions.

utterly overbearing

You're with your friends, colleagues, acquaintances. She doesn't necessarily know them, she's their best friend, she can talk to them about anything (even football which she knows next to nothing about). She's overwhelming, you can't a word in edgeways. The situation has been completely hijacked and dominated.

she's jealous

Of you. Of your kids. Your ten year old has learned how to solve the Rubik's Cube. "Well if i spent as much time on YouTube as you did, I could do it too"

never ever upstaged or outdone

She gets the last word, the final say. No matter how great your achievement or accomplishment, she's either done better or could have done it too if she bothered Meh! She will never support your endeavors or delight in your successes...... unless there's other people about that need to be impressed.

is forever attention seeking

She will do everything she can to demand attention and focus. If positive attention isn't forthcoming, negative attention will do just fine. It's beyond EXHAUSTING

references other people to make her point

Can't seem to just state her point. She often makes reference to how others agree and support her point. Rebecca said ... or Peter said ...

lies

Constantly

steals

She steals money and denies it. And she will never be confronted about it again by punishment of RAGE, how dare you make such an accusation. Your a lier. You stole it. You did it. Weirdly, you apologize and never mention it again even though it continues to happen.

has a scary morbid fascination

She gets excited by real life death, horror and gore. You unfortunately encounter a car crash, she gets excited by the prospect of the horror view, she even gets aroused. It's unsettling

promises mean nothing

They simply evaporate as though they never existed

is completely unreliable and unpredictable

She phones to say she's at the shop, she asks what's needed. You check, you tell her, milk, bread, coffee. She arrives home with bread only. When you ask about the other items, you'll either get a lie about the shop being sold out or your question will be met with hostilely. Bizarre?

you dread when she's off work

you dread long weekends and when she's off work. You find that her relentless antagonistic and argumentative behavior gets progressively worse the longer she's out of routine and hanging around

makes threats

To your child: I'll go in to your teacher tomorrow and I'll embarrass you. To you: I'll report you and have you removed from this house. To you: I'll break that computer of yours if you don't listen to me. To you: I'll tell your family/friends what you did. To you: I'll tell your family/friends how you treat me